Things I thought I knew

So this year Olivia finally announced that she knows the truth of the matter – there is no Santa. I am fairly confident that she was well aware of this fact last year, but knew that being a ‘believer’ garnished more gifts.

Not sure why, but this proclamation got me thinking about how life has turned out for us. Not at all how I had imagined. I thought I’d be living it up in the suburbs, hosting holiday galas, and posing for family photo shoots. (It is so interesting to me that I hardly ever receive cards from single people, even those with children. I haven’t sent Christmas cards out since my divorce some 4 years ago, and I am still not sure why. Maybe like most other things, it feels like too much work to take on alone. I guess, in some ways, it also feels like shining a big spotlight on the missing male presence in our lives.) Do these unrealized dreams make me sad – sometimes. But I’m learning that I was never really built for picket fences and perfectly portioned packed lunches. I’m not someone who got a degree and then settled into some job and stayed long enough to actually rise through the ranks. And while I, at times, still ache for a traditional family – a ride and die partner – a tenured position with a stable income, the truth is that this other life – the one that is actually my reality is pretty freakin incredible.

I am a woman who refuses to sit around talking about the things I want to do, and instead one who does them. I know people have opinions about my parenting, and my priorities, and probably a shit ton of other stuff that I’m not even remotely aware of. I’m also a woman who is learning to ‘allow’ the judgement of others, while staying true to my own inner compass. I don’t do ‘normal’ well, and that has often racked me with guilt. I have often wondered if I’m missing some maternal quality that would keep me content to stay at home cooking and coloring instead of calling in reservations and creating. And while I’ve probably taught my daughter little in the realm of domesticity, I hope that I’ve managed to model the below for her:

Follow what feeds your soul. For me, this has been travel. And because of this I put my money where my mouth is, proudly supporting the Semester at Sea (SAS) program, and continuing to visit as many places as I can. Back in 2000, after much begging, and promising, and pleading I convinced my parents to let me leave for a summer to travel around the world. This year I will be visiting my 19th country.

The opportunity to stand in front of the Egyptian Pyramids, or see Swan Lake performed in Russia, or float in the Dead Sea in Israel are experiences I hope that my daughter one day gets the chance to let change her as they have changed me. Fifteen years after that trip, I remain best friends with two of my travel mates and have managed to meet up with others shipmates across the country from NYC to Vail.

“I sometimes seem to myself to wander around the world merely accumulating material for future nostalgias”

~Vikram Seth

Life is beautiful, even when it’s not. The past several years have held plenty of heartbreak, but my god the breakthroughs that heartbreak has birthed. I am stronger physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually than I’ve ever been. I’ve pushed myself in ways I never thought I would or could. I’ve learned so much. Who knew that sitting still for 15 minutes of meditation could be as challenging as running a half marathon or how completing terrifying and thrilling reentering the dating scene at my age would be? I try to reframe a lot these days. I don’t get to share parental victories with a partner – you know, the ones where you make eye contact from across the room and smile knowing that the hours you spent to find the perfect gift and those your husband spent assembling it were all worth the excitement you now see as your child rips through wrapping paper. I don't have someone to shoulder the pain of losses with either. It is the absence of those unspoken allegiances – those sideways glances, those secret exchanges - that can hurt my heart if I perseverate on them too long. But, there is always an exchange. I do get to experience the butterflies of ‘first kisses’ all over again. The pride in learning I’m actually quite capable of doing things on my own. And the freedom that comes without a partner to have to compromise with on the daily.

When life seemed to pretty much implode on me (lost my marriage, my house, my job) I got busy reinventing (Exhibit A). I didn’t know what I was doing at the time, but in hindsight I can see I was doing exactly what writer and creative rebel Andrea Balt had suggested in a recent social media post:

“Turn your demons into art, your shadow into a friend, your fear into fuel, your failures into teachers, your weaknesses into more reasons to keep fighting. Don’t waste your pain. Recycle your heart.”

I will be joining her for Creative Rehab in Bali this spring (refer back to point 1!)

You are loved. Deeply, and by many. I am well aware that my daughter and I are surrounded by a fiercely loyal, affectionate, giving tribe of family and friends. Part of the reason I can live out my dreams without being totally consumed with the fear that I’m not being a “good” parent, responsible adult, fill in the blank with any other self-limiting belief you want here is because I have an amazing network of people in my life who are willing to help. It truly does take a village – and for my daughter and I to be a part of such a robust, dynamic, spirited group of individuals makes feeding the soul a whole lot easier and life a whole lot more beautiful. Some of these people are with us from the beginning, some find us along the way, and others we must seek out. If you are feeling alone or isolated or misunderstood – know that your tribe is out there waiting to welcome you home.