Single moms out there - I'm holding space

So as Mother's Day approaches I am saddled with conflicting emotions. Or as, Stephen Chbosky said, 'So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.'

On the one hand I am overcome by joy - both for my own mom, her mom, and the beautiful little human that calls me mom.

My mom is the most selfless, giving, generous person on the planet. Like, truly she is! I'll never forget one time going to the bank with her and while standing in front of the teller discussing where we should breakfast, the teller causally remarked how jealous she was, and how good breakfast sounded. And so, my mom, not surprisingly, insisted that after she made her deposit that we go buy breakfast for all the bank employees. I mean, this is typical, Linda behavior.

Mom - I don't tell you enough - the impact the kind of person you were/are has had on my life. I remember so many acts of kindness initiated by you - facilitating the Lindsay Husk fundraiser, standing outside in the freezing cold to picket animal cruelty, all those winters you spent standing outside of Kmart ringing the Salvation Army bell, forcing us to take food over to elderly neighbors, sending care packages to not just Ash and I when we were grown ass adults, but also to your grown nieces and nephews to remind us all how much we were/are loved. You never miss an opportunity to send a card either!

You give away your money, your leftovers, your jewelry, whatever you own so that someone else can have more. And I've taken it for granted. My whole life. You never complain about the giving, never expect the goodwill to be returned. You are the bravest person I know. As a mom myself now, I know there had to be dark days (especially post divorce), days where you wanted to come first, days where you wonder what dreams you let die so that you could support a growing family. And yet, I couldn't have guessed any of that. The childhood you created for me was idyllic - it felt safe and secure and was so so much fun.

And you kept this invincible charade up through my teens and into my adulthood. You did all the worrying so nobody else had to. Shit I still don't see much that rattles you. You are the one to rally the troops in times of crises, the one to soothe all the pains, the first on the phone with well-wishes, and congratulations, and good lucks! I worry often now what your protection of us has cost you.

Please please know that what you did, the woman you are left an enormous impact on the woman I strive to be. I know you don't agree with all the ways in which I move through the world, but I hope you can see my strength, my compassion, and my go-getter attitude as all direct reflections of you. I am so proud to call you my mom and Liv and Ashton are so lucky to have you in their lives.

My little song-bird also brings me so much joy. She is smart as a whip, full of compassion, and funny as all hell. She is also a girl who knows how to get what she wants! The other day as I tucked her into bed with her beloved piggy and Pua (both piglet stuffed animals) she says to them, "Don't worry Piggy and Pua - I'll understand if you can't get me a Mother's Day gift this year" to which I started thinking to myself, 'are you freakin kidding - now I have to buy my 9 year old a Mother's Day gift from her stuffed animals when nobody is here to buy one for me!

And then...I remembered my mom, who again always comes through. Every year she sends my sister money to take Olivia shopping for a gift for me. The fact that my mom has done this every year since I separated from my ex means everything - not because of the gift, but because of the gesture behind it. It lets me know she gets "it" and is holding space for the loss many single moms feel when there is no partner around to help little hands make a messy breakfast to carry up to mom in bed, when there is no partner around to look you in the eyes and remind you that you are doing a good job at this thing called parenting, when there is no partner around to remind the little hellions when they forget - hey it's her day - cut her a break ;)

I try to be a positive person, but I'm not going to pretend that in those small minuet moments I don't feel an enormous loss for the life I had imagined which didn't pan out quite the way it was 'supposed' to. I sometimes feel sad that i am not able to share so many special moments of her growing up with a life partner whom I love. I grieve when I see dads with their daughters hoisted on to their shoulders after a long day at the amusement park while Olivia and I walk hand in hand alone. I grow tired, and frustrated, and resentful that I carry so much of the weight and the responsibility and the guilt. Oftentimes, I feel bad that she didn't get the carefree childhood that I had, that she hears me sigh and sees me silently complain in the slump of my shoulders, the clench of my jaw when she asks the 87th question of the night while I'm seeking the sanctuary of my bed and sheets in which to cry.

This isn't about playing victim. It's about letting all you other single mamas know that I get you, and I'm holding space for you as my mom is for me....

on this weekend, and in all those moments where you feel exquisitely blessed and desperately alone.

I know I haven't done as good of a job at shielding Olivia from adult problems and pains as my parents did for me, but I hope that when she looks back on her childhood it is with the same sense of innocence and wonder and pride and unbridled joy that I see in her face as she looks at me in this picture (which is one of my very favorites).

Happy Mother's Day...mauh!