Yikes!

I’m scared this time.

I’m usually a reactionary person. I hold my breath for a split second and then send the text before I should, or blurt out my feelings to anyone within earshot, because I feel an intense need to let out how angry, frustrated, excited I am. The problem is - I send and talk before I process, and this no filter style of communication has, at times, led to creating drama I didn’t intend, or lofty ideas that have the potential to be successful, but aren’t because I haven’t taken the time to really figure out the details.

While this forge ahead mentality has led to some back-pedaling, and the need for some begrudgingly given apologies, it has also led to projects and publications I would have never thought possible. For instance, a few months ago, after lots of tears and a few glass of Merlot, I decided to write a creative piece about my recent breakup with a co-worker, and submit it to one of my favorite online publications on a whim. When I sent it, I was hurting and really just needed to channel the pain into something outside of myself. I never actually thought it would be published. After all, it was the first poem I had ever actually written so it had to suck – right? It was published - within days - and I was so shocked and elated that of course I had to share my success via social media. I hadn’t really considered the consequences of making the private public, like the fact that any colleagues that didn’t know about the relationship or the state it was in, now certainly would. It is one thing to expose yourself, but I felt guilty calling him out in print.

I did give him a heads up that the not so pretty details of our time together would now be out there for everyone to read and apologized for any hurt this may cause him, but I certainly don’t regret doing it. It was my story as much as his. More importantly, it reminded me that I’m worthy of great things when I put it all out there. Looking back on this now, it seems the piece was probably published because it felt authentic. It felt that way, because it was. There weren’t any alias, no made-up details, no way-back when details. It was happening in the moment, it was raw, and it was the truth as I saw it at the time.

So how does any of this relate back to the beginning of this post? Because this new endeavor, Gyspy Riot, feels bigger than just ‘reacting’. This time, putting it all there is a carefully crafted plan that places me in the position of feeling all the fear of potential failure, and embarrassment, and success up front. And that is a new way of being for me.

Ready for the kicker?

The guy – the one who inspired the poem – he’s back in my life and one of my biggest supporters in making this dream a waking one. He doesn’t yet know, however, that part of our history is again resurfacing in print via this blog ;)

New ways of being don’t always mean obliterating the old – sometimes it’s just about recreating them into something more intentional. So…sorry love! ;)